Behind the Scenes: Making of Stars Not in Heaven
by Water Mage
Summary: This is a special side story to Stars Not in Heaven. Its meant to be a funny behind the scenes look at the making of Stars Not in Heaven. Hear what the characters and the author have to say about the story.


I don't own Buffy the Vampire Slayer or anything associated with it. It belongs to its creator Joss Whedon and whoever else owns it. This piece of literature is simply the work of a humble fan. I don't own Harry Potter neither. It belongs to J.K. Rowling.

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:::Author Notes:::

This was inspired by reading to many Mary Sue fics and then reading MarySue Mockfest2003! When I read it couldn't stop laughing, so I wanted to try something like this with my own story. This is more of a humorous, don't take it serious type of stand alone to my story Stars Not in Heaven. If you're a fan of the story, I hope you find this funny. 

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Behind the Scenes: Making of Stars Not in Heaven

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(cut to Buffy, who is sitting in a directors chair with a Stars Not in Heaven poster in the background)

Buffy: Well, when I first saw the script I was skeptical… I mean who in their right mind would actually find this believable (laughs). But then I talked it over with Water Mage and he explained it to me and really made me believe in his vision… After that how could I say no (smiles and shrugs).

(cut to Harry, sitting in an identical chair. Poster behind him is the same)

Harry: I personally thought that the whole idea was simply fucking wicked. It all just seemed so… (waves hand) Water Mage is simply a genius. Ron and Hermione liked the idea, so I immediately said yes… (trails off, while looking into space)

(cut to Ron and Hermione, sitting in twin chairs with a Stars Not in Heaven poster behind them) 

Ron: (Nodding) I could tell instantly that the whole thing was going to be a lot of fun.

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Hermione: (Rolls her eyes while looking to Ron) It was more than fun. It was a great opportunity to work with some really great people.

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Ron: Yeah, everyone was really great. Water Mage himself even let me adlib a little. All those clueless moments I had… I came up with them myself. (Looks proud of himself)

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Hermione: (Gives him a look) Which is quite believable. (Cough)… dumbass… (Couch)

(cut to Water Mage, sitting in a chair. A pencil is stuck behind one ear and a pen stuck behind the other)

Water Mage: Sure, everyone was fantastic to work with! Actually, it was an honor to work with them. Anya was a joy to cast… She kept it…real 

(cut to Anya, sitting in a chair with a different poster behind her)

Anya: Personally, I feel that I kept everyone very down to Earth and grounded. (Smiles shyly) In real life I'm not that blunt and I don't swear so much. (Looks down at the ground) Is that a fucking hundred-dollar bill… (Dives down from the chair)

(cut to Harry)

Harry: (Laughs) Anya was a blast to have around. I don't think I've ever met anyone like her. (Pauses thoughtfully) Although, she did seem to be in character all the time. Even off the set she was still going with the blunt comments (Sighs). Now that is real drive and dedication…

(cut to Water Mage)

Water Mage: One thing I clearly look back on is the name change. Buffy had a big problem with trying to say Buffy Potter instead of Buffy Summers. (Pauses) I personally thought it was simple. Maybe it's a blond thing…

(cut to Harry)

Harry: Even I messed up with the name. I kept wanting to say her real name for some reason…Buffy Summ… Fuck! I still can't say it. (Grins wide and pauses as he holds up one finger) Wait… Buffy Potter! Hell yeah! I got it! (Pumps fist into the air triumphantly)

(cut to Willow and Xander, sitting in chairs)

Willow: Thank god, we never had to say… Buffy Potter….(Shudders) 

Xander: (Points to Willow) Don't mind her. She shudders every time she says Buffy's new name. Matter of fact… What is your issue with the name?

Willow: (Pauses thoughtful) I have no idea. Guess what though (Waves hand and in Xanders place there is now a dog) Now, more me time! (Grins at the camera and opens arms wide)

Xander: Bark!

Willow: Hey! Shut that up! It's me time! (waves hand and Xander reappears) I was just playing.

Xander: (Glares)

Willow: What's that look for? It was just a joke! (looks at the camera) I would also like to mention that I had a hand in all the jokes in the script. (points importantly to herself and mouths 'me') 

(cut to Water Mage)

Water Mage: Oh yeah, the jokes! I was never really sure what was _too_ over the top… So I just said fuck it… The cast pretty much went along with it… except for one. (rolls eyes and sighs)

(cut to Snape)

Snape: (scoffs) I had no problem with the jokes themselves per-say. Its just when that bitch… I mean Buffy (smiles sweetly) 

Buffy: (from off-screen) I heard that mother-trucker!

Snape: (glares off to the side and shouts) Then stop listening to me then with that fucking heightened Slayer hearing, Satellite ears! (looks back into the camera, desperately trying to keep a straight face) She is so hot for me. You can practically feel the sexual tension when you walk into the room. Once she even tried to peek under my robes…

Buffy: (walks into shot and slaps him on the head) You crazy old perv! (she laughs) You only wish that I would give it up. Who do I look like—Julia Roberts, in Pretty Woman… I'm not that easy.

Snape: Stop lying (laughs and tickles Buffy) you know you want me…

Buffy: (laughing hysterically) You old perv!… (grabs arm and body slams him)

Snape: (on ground looking up at camera) She knows she likes me (grinning toothily)

(cut to Harry)

Harry: (pauses thoughtfully) Yeah, I did sometimes wonder about the 'war' between Snape and Buffy… (leans into the camera and whispers) I personally heard some things from the stagehands… One night Buffy and Snape disappeared in his trailer and there was a lot weird (making air quotes) 'noises'… If you know what I mean (grins)

Buffy: (from off-camera) Stop lying, Harry Pot-head!

Harry: Does she think she can kill me? I'm the freakin' _Boy Who Lived_ (crosses arms and smirks)

Buffy: (from off-camera) But I'm the Slayer and I can break you in half

Harry: (grins nervous) I think it's about time I left… (jumps up and runs off)

(cut to Dumbledore)

Dumbledore: The whole thing was… How do young people say? Cool… Tight… Bangin'… Sweet… Anywho, I had a good time while making it. The funniest thing was when Spike laced my lemon drops with acid (laughs) Now that was a trip!

(cut to Spike)

Spike: (Grins slowly) That _was_ a bloody good prank, wouldn't it? Yeah, I suspect that I was the first who saw that ol' Dumbledore had to loosen up. I just found a way for him to do so…(clip of Dumbledore standing on top of the Head Table, doing the choreographed dance moves from the Justin Timberlake's _Like I love You_ music video. He grabs his crotch and rubs it, causing Draco Malfoy to faint and McGonagall to have a nosebleed) Particularly fun that was… (chuckles)

(cut to Water Mage)

Water Mage: The most challenging scenes had to be for Remus and Sirius to show real emotion. (grins) Normally those two are so hyper and funny when they are together. When it comes time for them to be serious lets just say that it never lasts long…

(cut to Remus and Sirius)

Remus: Water Mage actually wanted to make people squirm a little bit by making them think we were together (gestures to Sirius)

Sirius: Like I can't do better than Remus anyway. My type would be more like—

Remus: (raises eyebrow) 

Sirius: (coughs suddenly and grins sheepishly) Like Jennifer Anniston or that Trishelle from Real World: Las Vegas. (looks dreamily into space)

Remus: (looks into the camera pointedly) Even if Sirius and I would date. It wouldn't be like people think. I may be quiet and calm all the time, but I would be the Alpha and Sirius would so be my bitch…

Sirius: HEY!!!

(cut to Tara)

Tara: I didn't have big scenes or anything. Only a couple of lines. But I felt those lines were pivotal to the script. I think that I really portrayed what my character was trying to point out. The stutter was a nice touch too wasn't it? I haven't stuttered in years, but I felt that the part needed it, you know?… It just made it more (thinks for the right word) special.

(cut to Hermione and Ron)

Ron: When Hermione had a tough time, I would just supply her a line I would think up right off the spot…

Hermione: (looks at him incredulously and mouths 'What the fuck') 

Ron: (nods proudly) She was so helpless sometimes. I just felt sorry for her, you know?

Hermione: YOULYINGREDHEADCRAZYTALLBIGNOSEDSONOFACRACKWHORE!!!!! (tackles him, dragging him to the ground)

(cut to Water Mage)

Water Mage: I was really surprised that there wasn't any drama on the set. I figured we would have some diva… prima donna type attitudes. But no there was any of that. We all got along pretty well, I think… One person though was a bit cranky most of the time, but overall he was lovable…

(cut to Lord Voldemort)

Voldemort: (crosses arms) The role of a wizard terrorist wasn't really hard to fit into. (smirks) My one biggest regret about working with Water Mage is that damn 'be none, harm none' contract. That meant while on the set I couldn't take out Potter. (sighs) I had this one sweet opportunity too… 

Harry: (off camera) Voltron! Stop talking shit! You fucking pansy!

Voldemort: (ignores Harry) Sometimes I just want to ring his scrawny neck

Harry: (off-camera) Wasup, you fuckin' pansy! Bust a move, biatch!

(cut to Water Mage)

Water Mage: (Sighs) Yeah, Voldemort did get a little out of hand at times… I found that if I slipped him a ruffie in his pumpkin juice he would be docile and pretty cooperative for a couple of hours…

(cut to Buffy)

Buffy: (shivers) One time it got real bad, Voldemort was just really trippin'. I had to put him in a sleeper hold till he passed out.(rolls eyes and mutters 'wuss') I told Water Mage to just take him out when he went into one of his (makes air quotes) 'world conquest' moods.

(cut to Anya)

Anya: Yeah, Voldemort was a real psycho. No doubt about that. He was yelling and rampaging around the set everyday it seemed. (Pauses and thinks) I wonder if he's any good in bed…

(cut to Xander and Willow)

Willow: (looks at Xander seriously) Are you like half wizard, Xander?

Xander: No, why? 

Willow: Are you sure about that? You sure you don't have any wizard in you?

Xander: (rolls his eyes) Yes, I'm sure.

Willow: Here's Sirius' number. He says and I quote, 'Would you like to?'

Xander: (stops as wheels in brain turn)

Willow: (nods while smiling wide)

Xander: (eyes widen and mouth drops open) HOLY SHHHHHHIIIIIIIITTTTT!!!!!

Willow: (laughs uncontrollably)

(cut to Water Mage)

Water Mage: I'm so glad that Buffy could actually pull off the fact that she could do magic. A Slayer being a witch is unheard of?!?!?! I'm so glad for the wonders of computer special effects…

(cut to Harry)

Harry: (nods solemnly) That girl was absolutely horrid with a wand! My gods! I knew she sucked, but until you see it in person…

(cut to Buffy)

Buffy: (shakes head) It's true. Me sucking at magic was a total fact. Buffy and magic just like Buffy and cooking is a no no. I remember the incident where I was waving my wand and I accidentally… (clip of Buffy waving wand and it flew from her hand accidentally poking Dumbledore in the eye)

(cut to McGonagall, wearing an eye patch)

McGonagall: Yes, Buffy was just dreadful at any attempts at wand magic… 

(cut to Malfoy)

Malfoy: I remember one time, I stepped on her foot by accident and she meant to curse me, but her wand end got jammed into my eye…. (mutters incoherently) I think I'm still traumatized by that… (trails off)

(cut to Water Mage)

Water Mage: One thing that worried me was the lacking of romance interest for Buffy. At first I was just wanted to tell the story then as we started going along I started to think who would be good for Buffy. Then the answer came to me in a dream, and I was like 'of course!'. A whole plot and sequel came into my head and everything

Harry: (runs into shot, hugging him) Yay! There is a sequel!

Water Mage: (raises eyebrows) Didn't I tell you there was one?

Harry: (shakes head) No, you didn't. Am I in it?

Water Mage: (gives him a look) No, its about the fuckin' Easter bunny in a pink tutu! Of course your in it, crackwhore!

Harry: (looks into camera and fakes a tear) He's only mean to me because he loves me… honest! He doesn't mean to hurt me! I just be running into the punches…

Water Mage: (eyes wide and mouth open in shock) WHATTHEFUCK!??! (Shakes head and starts laughing without restraint) get the hell away from me, you schizo.

Harry: (ruffles his hair and runs off, laughing)

Water Mage: (looks into the camera smiling) That folks was my wonderful star, Harry Potter also known as Crack a-holic. Anyway, the ending of the story was quite a secret… real hush hush, 007 shit…

(cut to Buffy)

Buffy: Oh yeah, the ending… (smiles a bit) There had to be at least four different final drafts of the script. It was that serious…

(cut to Sirius, sitting by himself)

Sirius: The ending was like WOW! I didn't get the final script with the final ending till only an hour before the shoot. And it was GOOD! Although, it's going to have me curious (realizes he's talking and stops, trailing off)… Not allowed to talk about the ending, sorry…

(cut to Lord Voldemort)

Voldemort: The way it ended was fucking….(He's suddenly knocked unconscious)

Buffy: (Sits down in the chair) Sorry about that, but ol' Voldimesh talks to much…

(cut to Water Mage)

Water Mage: The ending…. Hmmm…. Can't talk about that but I'll talk about our last day. It was really awesome. We threw a party and there was magic, fireworks, and Dumbledore filled up a child's pool with alcoholic Jell-O (clip of Sirius and Remus wrestling in the Jello-O. People are gathered around watching with looks of curiosity and mild disgust at the inappropriate touching) 

(cut to Spike)

Spike: The party was fuckin' sweet (clip of Spike standing there watching everything, suspiciously wiping a napkin against his eyes)

(cut to Tara)

Tara: Spike didn't want to admit it, but I saw him crying. He's such a big softy… 

(cut to Spike)

Spike: Glinda said WHAT!?!!?!? I swear I'll rip out her throat. No, really. I will. I s'promise. (nods vehemently)

(cut to Water Mage)

Water Mage: I don't know when exactly the sequel will come, but I expect it will be right after I finish this one (nods) Many of us our glad to have the opportunity to work together again.

(cut to Buffy)

Buffy: Dammit!?!?! Does this mean that I have come back (walks off mumbling)

(cut to a series of photographs taken from different times on the set. Harry and Voldemort are drinking from tankards and people are in the background chanting. Buffy waving her wand around like a madwoman. Snape licking an ice cream cone, giving the camera the finger. Sirius and Remus reading their scripts and practicing lines. Dumbledore cleaning out his ear with the end of his wand.)

(cut to Water Mage)

Water Mage: Overall, this is probably an experience that I will never forget. I don't think that none of us will ever forget it. If I had to do it all over again… I would. I made some friends that I shall never forget (clip of him posing with the entire cast of Stars Not in Heaven)

(freeze frame… fade out)


End file.
